I've really sucked my husband into my sucky life. :( Maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. It is easier being my normal hateful and sulky self when I don't need to think about how someone who loves me would feel sad that I dislike myself so much.
I'm still wavering, just worrying needlessly when all I need to do is make a hard, swift decision - whether I will take responsibility for dad's stupidity, or whether I will simply move on in life from here without him in my plans. I've never complained about having to take care of him - he is my father. Yet I must insist on the right to question why I should have to do so despite the many obstacles he has created for me.
I feel myself falling behind in everything, and I have already fallen so far in many things that I've practically missed them. I never got to do or feel many things others went through in pleasant growing up years, and now a good part of my youth is once again waiting for things to get better. I hate being a victim but how else do your describe yourself when you are helpless to do anything, everything beyond your control?!
Even the tickets to Hong Kong in January... I am regretting. What was I thinking? Going on a trip? Trips are not for me, they are for those who can afford it. And a holiday while the house matters have not been resolved, how irresponsible of me. I hate this.
And the more my problems are not solved, the more I feel I should NOT have kids. I would just die having to finance them and if I cannot afford the best I'd rather not have anything at all.
